


Coward

by orphan_account



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Fights, Love/Hate, M/M, Making Up, shyan if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-03-01 16:38:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13298895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "Every time we go to those haunted places, you always say it. You always call me a coward, or a crybaby, and I know you don't mean it, but... you're right. You're always right. About everything. When you say I'm just dumb, and I don't know what I'm talking about, and I'm just an idiot. And I keep thinking, maybe ghosts really aren't real, because... because you keep saying that. And you're always right."





	Coward

  
Have you ever felt so much anger, so much spite for someone, that it burned in the pit of your stomach and gnawed at your very insides every time you saw them? That was how Ryan Bergara felt every day of his life, every time he'd arrive on set for Unsolved, when he was met with the face of the Sasquatch himself, Shane Madej: his co-host, and the biggest cunt on this planet.

_"You're an asshole."_

_"Shut up."_

_"I hate you."_

Ryan said these phrases on a daily basis, every time Shane decided to make a comment to get at his goat or managed to deny every single piece of supernatural evidence that Ryan threw at him.

He infuriated Ryan with every fiber of his being, and Shane would just sit, sipping peacefully on his tea, while the earth shattered beneath Ryan's feet.

But sometimes these hateful phrases were accompanied by the utmost of fondness plastered on Ryan's face as he looked at the man he'd known since his first week at the office.

Shane Madej. The biggest cunt on this planet, and Ryan Bergara's best friend.

Shane was sat beside Ryan in his chair at the table set in front of the camera, fixing the collar of his blue button-up dress shirt. Ryan rolled his eyes at him.

"What? I like to look my best," Shane said.

"You don't have to dress up so fancy every time. We're just doing a post-mortem," Ryan replied.

Shane buttoned up the top button of his shirt. "I know I don't _have_ to, but I _want_ to. Gives me the impression of an uptight prick, which is, y'know... kinda what I'm going for."

Ryan chuckled as Shane slid his glasses up the bridge of his nose, and Ryan folded his arms on the table before him as he heard the cameraman call out, "and... action!"

Ryan gave his scripted introduction, then grabbed his phone from his pocket and looked down at the screen, displaying comments from viewers. "This first question comes from Haley Greene. 'Will you guys ever visit the Moundsville Penitentiary? It's supposedly one of the most haunted places in the world.'"

Shane fiddled with the cup of tea in his hand. "Yeah, actually, that's coming up next episode. Really exciting one."

"Yeah, this one is definitely one of our spookiest episodes. Even you were a little spooked."

Shane turned to look at Ryan. "I didn't get spooked. I did get startled though, I'll give you that."

Ryan laughed. "That's just what he says."

"Well, Ryan over here practically had a panic attack in this one," Shane said.

Ryan played with the sleeve of his light-gray sweater, smiling lightly from embarrassment. "Yeah, I did get pretty scared."

"Scared? You almost wimped out and left like you did in the Sallie House," Shane laughed. "Like a coward."

Something tugged for a moment at Ryan's heart, but it let go as he exhaled out of his nose, looking down. He cleared his throat, chuckling nervously. "... Yeah."

And if a hint of sorrow had flickered in Ryan's eyes, well, he would never admit to that.

____________

  
Shane and Ryan waited outside the Moundsville Penitentiary as their camera crew got set up. Ryan fixed the gear attached to his chest while Shane checked his phone absentmindedly.

"You ready?" Ryan asked, and Shane only glanced at him before muttering and putting his phone back in his pocket, and the cameraman finished setting the camera up.

"Alright, in five, four, three..." TJ trailed off as he pushed the 'record' button on his camera, and Ryan introduced the viewers to the stories behind the Moundsville Penitentiary before he and Shane walked in.

"Wow, this place is very old," Shane noted, and Ryan nodded.

"It's definitely older than us," he said.

The two walked farther in, and began inspecting all of the walls and cells.

One wall had "I love dick" written on it in spray paint, and Shane chuckled, pointing it out to Ryan.

"Guess the ghosts came to get some action," he said.

"Well, I do not want any ghosts trying to touch me inappropriately tonight," Ryan replied.

"Didn't you say you'd let a ghost fuck you?" Shane laughed.

Ryan's face reddened. "Yeah, well, if-if it meant proving one, then-"

"You'd totally fuck a ghost."

Ryan scoffed. "Let's just move on."

They both found themselves in one of the cells, shutting the door behind them to leave them in complete darkness.

Ryan eyed Shane nervously, setting the spirit box between them on the ground. Shane sighed.

"Do we really have to get out the spirit box?" Shane groaned.

Ryan shushed him as he turned it on, and listened into the static noise until a voice sounded through it, and he looked at Shane with fear in his eyes.

"Did you hear that?" Ryan asked.

"What? 'Eh'?" Shane mimicked, and Ryan rolled his eyes.

"I think it said your name," Ryan said.

"I think you're a fucking moron," Shane replied, and Ryan's breath hitched at the word, and then he pretended Shane hadn't called him that. Just like always.

Ryan knew Shane's insults were all in good fun, but it didn't mean the name-calling didn't hurt.

They moved on from the spirit box, walking through the halls of cells with their flashlights, until they heard what sounded like a voice in the distance, and Ryan almost shrieked.

"What the hell was that!?" he whispered.

"Probably just some animals who got in," Shane replied with a shrug.

Right. Probably just animals. Probably some cute furry rodents. Yeah, cute little mice. Just think about cute little mice, Ryan.

Ryan was shaking with every step as they walked down the hall toward the sound, and then they heard it again, and this time, Ryan did shriek.

Shane laughed at him. "You're such a fucking scaredy-cat," he said.

And the word _scaredy-cat_ shouldn't have wrenched at Ryan's heart the way it did, because the word was so juvenile. But it did.

Ryan was already nearly having a panic attack, and now he was feeling embarrassed for having the panic attack, all because stupid Shane just had to make fun of him.

Ryan wanted to leave, to turn back and run the fuck out of the Moundsville Penitentiary and never come back. Call him a coward, but he wouldn't care when he'd be safe outside the Penitentiary, while his friend would get cut up by demons. He'd laugh.

The two continued walking down the hall toward the sound, until Ryan started to feel lightheaded. His panic had set in, and he knew he couldn't do this. Couldn't go any farther down that hall.

 _But what would Shane think?_ a voice inside him asked.

Fuck what Shane thought.

"I can't," Ryan took a deep breath in, "I can't do this."

Shane laughed. "Oh, no, you're not gonna chicken out again, are you?"

"Shane, _please_." Ryan's chest was heaving, trying to breathe through the air that seemed to be getting thinner, and Shane's smile faltered as he noticed.

"Alright, alright," Shane said, turning around to walk back. "Let's go check upstairs."

Ryan huffed out in relief, but a thought still ringed at the back of his mind. Like maybe he was missing out on something. An opportunity to be brave, to prove that, no, he wasn't a coward, or a scaredy-cat, or whatever other word Shane had bookmarked in his thesaurus of mean words. But he was. He truly was, and Shane was right.

He was a coward.

____________

  
"This one is from Zachary Jefferson. 'Ryan, you really need to man up and face your fears. Next time you should go investigate a noise instead of backing out like you did this episode. Just some advice.'"

Ryan sighed as Shane put his phone down. They were filming the post-mortem for the Moundsville Penitentiary episode, and Shane had just finished reading their last question.

"He's right, you know. You gotta face your fears at some point," Shane said with a shrug. Ryan bit his lip.

"It wasn't that I was too scared, I just-"

Shane broke out into laughter. "How are you gonna come up with an excuse for this? You had a full-on panic attack at the Moundsville Penitentiary."

"You didn't let me finish," Ryan said with a pointed look. "I was gonna say, it was too dangerous back there. For all we know, the noise could've been some animal."

"I mean, you have a point, but... you are kind of a scaredy-cat," Shane said.

"Yeah, yeah. Go ahead. Make fun of me," Ryan said, leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed.

Shane laughed. "Anyway, there's one episode left before the season ends, and then we start filming in a few weeks."

"Of course."

"This next episode. Ho boy..." Shane started laughing again.

"Here we go."

"Just... Lots of screaming. Lots and lots of it. That's all I have to say," Shane said, and Ryan huffed out a breath, sitting up in his chair, and made the decision to quickly end the video with his outro, and Shane got into his hotdaga.

"I now welcome you to the part of the show we call the hotdaga..."

Ryan tuned out the rest.

____________

  
Ryan climbed out from the backseat of TJ's car, along with Shane, approaching the tall cement building with apprehension.

The Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum.

The two men stood in front of the asylum in Weston, West Virginia, as TJ flipped on his camera.

"So this is the most haunted location in West Virginia," Ryan said, craning his head to see the windows of the building.

"It looks pretty neat-o," Shane added, and Ryan chuckled.

"Neat-o?"

"Yeah. Best-looking asylum I've ever seen."

"You would know," Ryan said as he skipped up the steps of the entrance, and he opened the door, leading Shane in with him.

The floors were covered in filth and grime, earning a drawn out "yikes" from Shane as they walked through the corridor.

Ryan stopped at a door, pointing his flashlight at it and looking back at Shane. "Supposedly this is one of the most haunted rooms in the asylum."

Shane sighed as Ryan opened the door. "Please tell me we don't have to use the spirit box."

Ryan closed the door behind them, letting the darkness surround them, shivering in the cold. "I don't like this."

"I know you don't," Shane said, a smile forming, and Ryan couldn't see it, but he knew it was there, plastered on the devil himself's face.

Ryan grabbed the spirit box from where it was attached on his belt, and Shane sighed again as Ryan turned it on.

"Are there any spirits with us?" Ryan asked to the void, his voice echoing throughout the big, empty room.

The machine was skipping through radio stations, and Shane tilted his head back in exasperation. "I hate this," he said.

"I know you do," Ryan replied with a condescending smile.

A voice broke through the gadget, and Ryan gasped slightly.

"Get out? Did you say to get out?" Ryan asked the box.

"I'm pretty sure it just said 'please turn me off, Ryan'," Shane joked, and Ryan returned with a "shut up, Shane."

Ryan focused on the spirit box's rhythmic static until another voice croaked through.

"'Now'? Did you say now? As in, get out now?" Ryan asked in a nervous tone.

Shane laughed. "Well, shit, Ryan, you better run."

Ryan shot Shane an annoyed look that Shane couldn't even see in the dark, and then he went to turn off the spirit box.

"You gonna be a coward again and run away because a spirit box told you to? Or at least, you think it told you," Shane said, and Ryan's cheeks grew red, and he shifted uncomfortably as he attached his spirit box back to the belt at his hip.

_Just ignore his words_ , a voice in his mind said.

But Ryan found it hard when Shane was always putting him down for his beliefs.

Though it shouldn't have mattered what the cynic said, because Ryan knew he was wrong.

_Was he?_

Ryan pushed the thought to the back of his mind as he opened the door and walked out with Shane, who sighed as he followed Ryan farther down the hall.

They made it to a solitary confinement cell, and Ryan stared into it for a bit, until he suddenly felt a shove on his back, and he yelled out as Shane had locked him in, laughing from behind the door.

He was thrown into darkness, a cold chill circulating the cell, and his breathing became heavier.

"Shane, this isn't funny!"

"Come on, get your little spirit box out!" Shane exclaimed. "Two minutes!"

"Fine, but you have to do it too!" Ryan shouted back, and he shakily grabbed his gadget, pressing the button on top.

Static filled the room, and he began asking questions.

"Is anyone in here with me? Would you like to talk to me?"

For a while, nothing happened. The spirit box just decided to quit working, and Ryan turned it off.

"Okay, Shane! The spirit box is jammed!" he shouted. "Now let me out!"

"You still got another minute and a half!" Shane snickered from behind the door.

Ryan groaned, then folded his arms together in an effort to warm them. Just then, he felt something brush against his thigh, and immediately he let out a scream.

"Shane! Shane, let me out!" he yelled, but Shane just kept laughing.

"One minute!" he yelled back.

"No, you don't understand! I just felt something brush up against my thigh!" Ryan explained. "Please let me out!"

"It's just your over active imagination, Ryan," Shane replied, suppressing a laugh.

"No! No, Shane, I really felt it!" Ryan shouted.

Shane sighed, finally caving in as he swung open the door, and Ryan bolted out.

Ryan's breath shook, and Shane rolled his eyes.

"Such a crybaby," he said, and Ryan flinched at the name as Shane grabbed his spirit box, nonchalantly walked into the cell, and shut the door behind himself.

Ryan scoffed as he replayed Shane's words in his head. Ryan was not a crybaby. Did he cry at the Moundsville Penitentiary? Did he cry when he boarded the Queen Mary? Hell, did he cry when the flashlight turned itself on at the Sallie House? No.

A coward, sure. But not a crybaby.

Okay, maybe a little.

Ryan rocked back on his heels, waiting for Shane to come out. He definitely didn't feel safe all alone in the big asylum when he had just felt a fucking ghost brush against his thigh.

When Shane came back out, a heavy weight came off of Ryan's shoulders.

"Did anything happen?" Ryan asked.

"Nope. Spirit box wasn't really working," Shane said.

"I told you," Ryan said with a roll of his eyes. "Come on. Let's check out upstairs."

And, for some reason, as Ryan followed behind Shane in silence as they walked up the stairs, the word _crybaby_ repeated in his head, over and over.

____________

  
They had just finished filming their last post-mortem of the season, about their last episode, The Haunted Trans-Allegheny Insane Asylum, and Shane was speaking with TJ. Ryan stood watching from the other side of the room, trying to guess what they were talking about from their mouth movements.

Shane came back a few minutes later and stood beside Ryan with a tea-filled mug in his hand. "So TJ wants to show us something."

Ryan nodded.

"Like, right now."

"Oh."

They glanced over to TJ, who beckoned for them beside the door, and Shane and Ryan walked out with him.

All three crammed themselves into TJ's compact Chevrolet, and he began driving as he explained where they were going.

"So there's this abandoned house, right? And apparently people were murdered there," he stated. "I figured, True Crime is coming. Why not look through it, maybe be able to incorporate it in a future episode."

"I think that's a great idea," Ryan said.

Shane shrugged. "I don't know. I don't plan on getting murdered any time soon."

TJ laughed. "I just wanted you guys to look through the house, see if you think it'd be good enough to include in an episode. It is your show, after all."

"Fair enough," Shane said. "But if we get murdered, you're paying for our funerals."

TJ laughed, then continued driving until they reached the house, which was in practically the middle of nowhere. The house had boarded windows and the paint was tearing, and Ryan looked up at it with uncertain eyes.

"Come on," Shane said, and Ryan followed closely behind as Shane opened the door to the house and walked in, and they were met with a mess of debris on the floor. Shane kicked a piece of wood aside as he stepped into the building, and Ryan closed the door behind them.

"What a lovely house to get killed in," Shane said, and Ryan chuckled.

"So what exactly should we be looking for?" Ryan asked.

Shane shrugged. "Evidence? Maybe we could do a case on whoever was murdered here."

Ryan nodded, and they both began looking around the furniture.

"Nothing here," Ryan said. "We could look upstairs."

Shane agreed and they both walked cautiously up the creaky stairs, and they walked into a bedroom, which presumably used to be a baby's bedroom as a cradle stood inside.

They began rummaging through the drawers of the dressers, finding nothing but old jewelry. "It's no use. I don't think we should include this in any episodes, 'cause there really isn't enough substantial evidence," Ryan said.

"We could just include it. Make it seem like we're going for the first time, searching for evidence."

"And then come back with nothing? It's _my_ show, Shane, and I just don't think-"

" _Our_ show."

"Right, right. But-"

"Come on, Ryan. TJ was nice enough to drive us all the way over here. Do you know how disappointed he'd be if-"

"Shane! TJ doesn't make the decisions about this show, we do!"

"Yeah. _We_ do. And I wanna include this bit for TJ," Shane said. "We were talking, and he was so excited to actually contribute something to the show. Can't you just give him this?"

"Shane, TJ is just our cameraman! He doesn't contribute to the show besides filming!"

"Why do you have to be so stubborn?" Shane asked, and Ryan grit his teeth.

"You're the one who's stubborn!"

"You're just being an asshole about this. TJ asked me-"

"Well, why didn't he come to me first!?"

"Probably because you're such a stubborn ass!"

"God, you're so infuriating!"

Shane shook his head, and nothing could have prepared Ryan for the words Shane spoke next.

"You know, sometimes I wish I'd never signed onto this stupid show. Then I'd never have to put up with _you_ ," he said, no hint of sarcasm in his tone, and he began to walk out of the room and into the hallway. It shut Ryan right up. A sharp pang gripped at his heart, tightening its hold and refusing to let go, and he parted his lips as he watched his friend walk on without him.

It was the meanest thing Shane had ever said to him.

Shane didn't mean for it to hurt Ryan so bad, but when he turned his head to see why Ryan hadn't followed, he caught sight of his friend's face, and something plummeted in his stomach, and he felt heat flood to his cheeks as he realized what he had done. Ryan's eyebrows were lifted at an upward angle, his bottom lip tucked under his teeth, and _oh, god_. He looked like he was about to cry.

Ryan's anger was replaced with tears, and he stared into his friend's wide eyes, a flash of guilt twinkling in them, and suddenly he felt smaller than usual under Shane's gaze.

They stood a good few feet apart in the hallway, and Ryan tried to blink away his tears, his breathing becoming shallow. His cheeks were flushed. He felt embarrassed as Shane continued to watch him, but the pain in his chest would not seize, and he couldn't help himself from hiccuping out a small sob. And it was just like at the Trans-Allegheny Insane Asylum, when Shane had told him he was being a crybaby, and he kept repeating over and over in his head that he _wasn't_ , but now here he was, crying like a little child over a meaningless argument.

Maybe it was at this moment that he realized he'd been holding this feeling in for far too long, letting it build up every time he held back tears when Shane would say something that went a little too far, and, for some reason, this had done it. This was the one comment that killed Ryan.

He could see the guilt washed over Shane's face, but somewhere in his mind he still expected Shane to make fun of him, to laugh at how childish Ryan was being. It surprised him when he didn't.

Shane's voice came out softer than usual. "Ryan, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

Ryan cast his head down, suddenly wanting to hide his face from his friend, wanting to disappear as he began to sob loudly, and he was humiliated. Ryan continued to gasp in sobs, crossing his arms as Shane walked over to him to place a hand on his shoulder.

"Ryan, why are you upset?" he asked in a gentle tone. "Was it something I said?"

_It's everything you've said._

But Ryan shook his head, refusing to look up from the ground. "I'm such a... such a fucking crybaby," he said brokenly through sobs.

"Ryan, don't say that. You're one of the toughest guys I know. You're no crybaby."

Ryan just gasped louder, still refusing to meet his friend's eyes. "You always say it."

Shane furrowed his brows in confusion. "I- What?"

"Every time we go to those haunted places, you always say it. You always call me a coward, or a crybaby, and I know you don't mean it, but... you're right," Ryan said. "You're always right. About everything. When you say I'm just dumb, and I don't know what I'm talking about, and I'm just an idiot. And I keep thinking, maybe ghosts really aren't real, because... because you keep saying that. And you're always right."

Shane's heart filled with guilt as he recalled calling Ryan those names. He never thought they'd hurt him. They were just joking around. Right?

But the tears falling down Ryan's cheeks begged to differ, and in that moment Shane wanted to take back every single word he'd ever uttered that hurt Ryan.

Shane grabbed a hold of both of his shoulders. "Listen to me, Ryan. I'm not right. About anything. Except ghosts not being real, but that's beside the point," he said, and Ryan finally lifted his head to look him in the eye. "I'm an idiot. We're both just a bunch of fucking idiots. And I don't mean anything when I say it. I don't mean it when I call you a crybaby, Ryan. You're fucking brave. You got guts doing the shit you do, hunting for ghosts, real or not. Do you hear me?"

Ryan slowly nodded, breathing softening. Tears stained his pink face, and Shane stared into his glistening eyes, and then he sighed.

"And you know I didn't mean it when I said I wished I never signed onto this show. Fuck, Ryan, I have so much fun just getting to hang out with you," Shane admitted, and Ryan smiled.

"Really?"

"Really," Shane said, eyes crinkling at the corners as he flashed a huge grin.

Shane let go of Ryan's shoulders, and Ryan sniffled as he wiped the tears from his eyes. "This is so embarrassing."

Shane smiled fondly. "Come on. We should head back before TJ gets worried."

Ryan followed Shane out of the dingy old house, stepping off the porch and being met with TJ, who must have noticed Ryan's still-watery eyes as he shot him a confused look.

"Anything interesting happen?" TJ asked, and Ryan assumed he was indirectly asking about what happened between him and Shane.

"Nothing but debris," Shane responded, and TJ sighed.

"Well, if that's all, then we should probably head back," he said.

"Yeah," Shane agreed.

TJ packed his camera away in the trunk of his car, then got in the front seat, and Shane and Ryan sat in the back as they drove off.

"I thought I could contribute to the videos, but..." TJ trailed off.

Ryan felt bad.

"It's alright. I should stick to camerawork. It's what I'm good at."

Shane glanced at Ryan.

It seemed their argument in the abandoned house really was mostly petty, and Ryan smiled up at Shane.

At least they had resolved other conflicts, and everything was right in the world between them again.

Shane would probably still call him names, knowing him, but he'd probably take it easy on his pal from now on, and Ryan felt safer with him.

Safe like he always did.

But safer than he ever did.


End file.
